


Yesterdays

by rockfantasyfan



Category: Guns N' Roses, bandslash - Fandom
Genre: Guns n Roses, M/M, Male Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 06:44:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18068540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockfantasyfan/pseuds/rockfantasyfan
Summary: Current events cause Duff to reminisce about old times





	Yesterdays

Duff Mckagan,Izzy Stradlin Current era. Anything

Duff felt terrible for admitting it to himself, but he was almost relieved when Susan took the girls to the Bahamas. It was an early holiday trip, a gift from Susan's family, and after a whirlwind few days of getting them packed and ready Duff welcomed the peace and quiet of the house when he returned from driving them to the airport. The strain of touring was taking more of a toll on him than he wanted to admit, he was in his fifties after all, and he was looking forward to a week of unwinding and relaxation. And watching the news. He had been glued to the news for the past several days, surreptitiously checking on TV or online several times a day to keep abreast of the latest developments. Wildfires were nothing new in California this time of year, but this year they'd attracted his attention more than usual, occurring all over Ventura county. All around Ojai. Duff knew he shouldn't be as worried as he was, he hadn't been in contact with Izzy for several years. But he knew Izzy lived in Ojai and he knew all too well the other man was too headstrong and stubborn to evacuate no matter how immediate the threat. So he worried, not certain exactly where Izzy's home was located since he hadn't been in touch with him since it's purchase. 

Duff deliberately refused to think about why he should even care, aside from the natural human concern with the tragedy of wildfires in general. If he was so concerned about Izzy he would have made some effort to contact him, right? It wasn't that he hadn't thought about it - in fact he thought about it far more than he knew he should. But he hadn't made the effort. He hadn't wanted to face the rejection. Again. It was all in the past, the distant past, and they were no longer drunks or junkies. No longer young and unattached, no longer feeling invulnerable. No, if anything, Duff felt he was all too vulnerable where Izzy was concerned.

Staying in L.A. while his family was out of town, Duff found himself wishing he'd gone back to Seattle. The sun was dimmed from the smoke of the fires, which meant that even outside tending his garden or riding his mountain bike Duff was unable to get away from thinking about it, and thinking about the fires meant thinking about Izzy. For the first two days he threw himself into his martial arts and working out in his gym during the day, but at night he lay awake imagining he could actually smell the smoke on the wind and finding his thoughts drifting inexorably to Izzy. To long ago nights in L.A. as a dirt-poor bassist waiting tables at a steakhouse looking forward to going home to down vodka and hang out with Izzy. Lay awake in the room he shared with Izzy talking together in the dark. Holding one another in the dark.

He could vividly remember the night the two of them had first shared a bed. Izzy had been dope sick, cramping up and sweating, and Duff had laid down with him out of some vague hope it would help soothe him. He'd rubbed Izzy's back through a long night of nausea until the dark haired man fell into an exhausted sleep. Duff had laid awake, arms still around his friend, his heart torn with the knowledge there was nothing he could really do for Izzy. Izzy would shoot up again as soon as he had the money to score more smack and they would go through the whole cycle again. Duff remembered crying as Izzy slept fitfully next to him, crying because it was killing him to watch Izzy do that to himself, not realizing at the time he was doing the same to his own body with alcohol. At that time he hadn't fully accepted how much he cared for Izzy, he was in denial, telling himself he was just feeling natural concern for a friend. It wasn't until much later, after the band was a success, after Appetite For Destruction had topped the charts, that he was able to accept that he was in love with the slim, pale rhythm guitarist.And Izzy never knew. Even though they had shared so much during those insane few years before Izzy quit the band, he never knew the depths of Duff's feelings.

Izzy had been the first to contact Duff after he was released from the hospital after his illness in '94. By that time Izzy himself had been clean for several years and he offered Duff much needed support, even flying in from Indiana to visit him. Izzy stayed with him for a month and Duff remembered almost breaking down once and confessing his feelings. But Izzy was married. Unhappily, yes, but still married, and Duff couldn't bring himself to do it. Izzy moved back to California after his divorce and the two of them stayed in touch, collaborating on a few projects together, doing some writing and recording, and Duff treasured those times. But when he married Susan, Izzy distanced himself and eventually they lost touch entirely. Duff heard tidbits of what Izzy was doing, about his solo albums, about whhich other artists Izzy was working with, but life went on. Duff's family grew, his daughters were born, his reuniting with Axl and Slash for the Once in a Lifetime Tour kept him more than occupied, but always at the back of his mind, there was Izzy. And always in the depths of his heart.

Now, thanks to the damned fires, it was all as fresh in his memory as if it had been yesterday. By the third day, Duff had enough. Fully aware of how ridiculous it was, he nevertheless took off one morning after his daily call to Susan and the girls, driving north, straight toward the smoke, listening to the fire updates on the car radio as he drove. As he expected, traffic was stopped in Oxnard and rerouted east, and Duff drove east as far as Fillmore before giving in to the futility of his drive. He stopped at a truck plaza, parking and going inside to grab a quick lunch before heading back to L.A. There hadn't even been anything to see aside from more emergency vehicles than he could have ever imagined and foul white smoke everywhere. The air was acrid, burning his throat, and there were signs up everywhere advising people to wear masks. It was depressing and he felt increasingly foolish for giving in to whatever whim had possessed him to make this drive . He sat at a window table in the restaurant watching the semi trucks come and go and the frequent helicopters flying over with their inadequate containers of water and fire retardant to dump on the flames, feeling a quiet depression settle over him. He was thinking again of the old days, remembering the one time he'd actually kissed Izzy. It had been shortly before Izzy left the band and he'd been blind drunk, which was his only excuse. 

They were in England, it was after a show and there was the usual crazy after party which carried on back at the hotel. They were successful now and could each have individual hotel rooms but everyone's room was pretty much open territory and people came and went at will. Izzy was clean of drugs and only slightly drunk but he didn't push Duff away when the bassist came at him with a big, sloppy kiss. His memory of it was understandably fuzzy but it even seemed to Duff at the time that Izzy had momentarily kissed back before they had been interrupted by someone else coming into the room. Duff never mentioned the incident again and two weeks later Izzy was gone. Duff was idly watching a motorcycle pull up in the parking area outside the window, thinking about how raw the pain had been when he was abruptly told Izzy was out of the band.

The man outside put his bike on center stand and took off his sunglasses, and for a moment Duff just stared. He was older, his face more deeply lined, but it was Izzy. There was no mistaking the walk or the mannerisms, and he came straight into the restaurant. Duff didn't stop to think, he fleetingly knew if he over thought it he would do nothing but slip out and drive away. He stood and walked to where he could see Izzy enter, taking a table near the door. He was working up the nerve to go over when Izzy looked up, directly at him, shock then surprise on his face. Then he broke into a smile.

Duff felt himself smiling back and he was standing before Izzy without realizing he'd moved.

"You're okay," was the only thing he could think of to say.

Izzy was still smiling and he indicated for Duff to sit. "Yeah, I'm fine. God, it's good to see you, man! What are you doing here?"

"I was worried about you." There was no reason to be less than honest.

Izzy's smile faded and an unreadable look showed in his eyes. "Really? Um..., thanks. But I'm okay. My house is too, so far. They made me leave this morning, though."

Duff sat, unable to look away from Izzy's intense hazel eyes. He couldn't think of anything to say now, his heart was pounding and he thought Izzy must surely be able to hear it.

"You really came here because you were worried about me?" Izzy seemed to find that hard to believe.

Duff nodded. "I....I know I haven't been in touch....."

Izzy made a dismissive gesture. "Don't worry about it, I haven't kept in touch either." He was quiet for a moment. "I should have been. I've missed you, Duff."

"Missed you too, man." Duff hoped Izzy didn't hear the catch in his voice.

Izzy did hear it. "I've thought about the old days a lot. Thought about you a lot. And through all that insanity there's one thing I regret more than anything else."

Duff swallowed, almost afraid to ask. "What?" he finally managed.

"I regret never telling you how important you are to me. More than any of the rest of it, more than any of the others. I love you, man. That's never going to change.

Duff felt tears sliding down his face but he still couldn't tear his eyes from Izzy's. "You knew, didn't you?" he finally asked.

"Yeah." Izzy's voice was quiet. "I knew. But you didn't know I felt the same way."


End file.
